I accomplished something today

Today, I actually did something.

I did my reading for Bible in 90 Days. I did my Morning Pages, though they were split in half as I had to take care of my daughter. I journaled.

I ran the dishwasher, and later washed some other dishes by hand.

I set a timer for fifteen minutes and picked up my living room. I dusted my living room, too. Later on, I cleaned my sink.

These are all small things, but I did them. And afterwards, I felt great. I got everything on my to-do list done.

It’s been months since that happened. It’s been months since I’ve felt this accomplished, this calm. It’s been months since I’ve had this much purpose.

So today, I celebrate a “small” victory – which is, in reality, so much bigger.

About a week ago, I told my husband I thought I should go to a therapist. I told him I thought that maybe I had postpartum depression — and I knew I had some issues with being in a car, issues which really shouldn’t be there. A couple days later, I couldn’t decide whether I wanted to make myself a hot dog for dinner. Even the simple act of boiling water with a hot dog in it was a big task in my head. That’s when I realized that I was probably worse off than I thought.

I boiled the water.

Since then, I’ve started feeling better. I’ve been doing more things around the house, and I generally feel more capable of dealing with life and motherhood. And it’s only now that I’m realizing how bad I actually was feeling. It’s a bit scary.

I’m hoping it’ll last. I’m pacing myself – I’ve had a spurt of energy before and gotten tons of stuff done, only to lapse into utter lethargy the next day. I don’t want to do that again.

But I’m hopeful. Maybe I really can handle being a mom. Maybe I really can find fulfillment in motherhood, while also finding fulfillment in the things I’ve always loved. Maybe I really can have a house that doesn’t look like a tornado just went through it, maybe I really can cook…maybe I really can be a person with energy and purpose and joy.

Maybe, just maybe, I’ll be okay.

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